Worrying about your kids seems as part of motherhood as apples are part of apple pie. I don’t know if it ever stops. When your heart is running around in the world outside of your body, exposing itself to failure and cruelty and pain, it is hard not to worry. And hard not to want to wrap it in cotton wool and keep it safe, away from harm. And hard to let go.

But all this worry can turn into an anxiety that begins to take on a life of its own. I have seen very calm, rational, reasonable women turn themselves inside out because of fears and worries about their babies. And this has never been more true than it is right now. Anxiety is no longer just about our kids, but also about ourselves, our community, our world. The myriad uncertainties and unknowns are making us all a little edgy. The days at home with kids out of school are new and challenging for everyone. Parents trying to get work done, keep the household afloat, find supplies in increasingly empty grocery stores… Why is everyone hoarding toilet paper anyway?! The worry about how to keep ourselves and our families safe can be all-consuming.

Every day begins calmly enough, but the anxiety is often quick to arrive; sometimes even joins us for breakfast. Like so many people around the world during these COVID times, I am grappling with ways to stay calm and focus on the positive. Of course, advice abounds about yoga and meditation and deep breathing. While this is great in theory, I don’t find that it always the most practical or most effective, especially for young kids who might be feeling scared and worried too. What I have found more helpful is lots of playtime, getting outside every day if at all possible, extra snuggles and stories. We also have a meeting every morning and make a plan for the day. The goal is not to make a color-coded schedule that we have to stick to, just to make everyone feel heard and to give ourselves a feeling of structure and control when all normal structures have fallen away.  I keep reminding myself that there are no expectations and I do not have to ensure my kids do maths every day. It is hard to let go of the sense of obligation, the guilt about not doing enough. But there is no one measuring or judging our performance! We are all just doing our best to get by, to make the most of a really weird situation, to stay sane, as well as healthy. Can we agree to allow ourselves to figure this out day by day? Can we forgive ourselves for hours of TV; for pb&j three times a day; for hours, days and weeks spent in pajamas? It is all OK. This is a new normal and we need to be kind to ourselves.

My particular brand of anxiety is often accompanied by trouble breathing normally, as if the tightness in my chest prevents me from getting full, deep breaths. This usually starts when I feel out of control, thrust into uncertainty, unsure what to do next.  This anxiety so often stems from a feeling of obligation, whether real or imagined. And that is the worst! How can I stress myself out so badly that I can barely breathe, because I am not doing something that I imagine I should be doing? No one asked me to do it, no one probably really cares whether I do it or not, and if they do, they would certainly forgive me if I bowed out due to feeling overwhelmed, or exhausted. This happens from time to time during ‘normal’ life, often because we are doing too much, or I feel as though I have lost control of my schedule. In these COVID times, there are many other reasons to feel anxious. Finally, we have time and we not rushing, and the only obligation we have is to stay home, for the sake of our families and our communities. But so much is unknown about the virus, about how long this social distancing will last, about how our lives will change forever! Everyone worries about different things in times like these, but many of us worry about getting sick, about spreading the disease, about losing a loved one. We worry about the people who are losing their jobs, can’t make rent, have nothing to feed their kids. We can’t take on the worlds’ problems. This virus has spread globally and affected people, families, and communities everywhere. It is too much to take on.

So let’s focus on what we can handle. Let’s start at home. Hug our kids. Be kind to ourselves. Connect with family and friends by phone or web. Play games and read stories. Have bubble baths. Make messes. Eat good foods. Drink lots of water. Get enough sleep. And of course, wash our hands and stay home!