Guilt (n), a feeling of deserving blame especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy, a feeling of deserving blame for offenses  (Merriam-Webster, my emphasis)

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes   or realizes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a universal moral standard and bears significant responsibility for that violation. (Wikipedia, my emphasis)

I have surprised myself over the past 6 or so years by becoming a full-time fully committed wife and mother. So much has changed in my life over this period that I sometimes struggle to recognize myself. Before getting married and thinking about a family, and trying to get pregnant, and finally being pregnant, and then miraculously having a gorgeous baby boy, and then another, I was a whole different person. I was independent and unfettered. I talked about different things, I wore different clothes, I cooked different food… I worked long days, rode the bus, went to yoga regularly, took long walks, had dinner with friends, read entire novels in a weekend (or stayed up all night!), lounged in the bath, binge watched 24 for hours on end, slept in, ate brunch at 11am!

Well, some things are the same… I still work really long days, like 24 hours a day, every day.  I still go to yoga, about once every other month. I walk to the park, or around the block at the lighting fast pace of a toddler on a scooter. I have dinner with friends… at 4pm, surrounded by children running, giggling, crying. I sometimes sleep in til 7am. And have brunch at 8am.

One of the big changes that really came as a surprise, and shocks me even now, is the unwitting self-sacrifice and the relentless guilt. I never thought I would give up my favorite foods because someone else didn’t like them, or liked them more. I never imagined that I would stop lounging in the bath when I wanted to relax at the end of a long day. I never expected to spend so much of my time and energy on others, and so very little on myself. So many things are different in marriage and parenthood than I imagined, and so many ‘perfect parenting’ beliefs that I held before having real human children have fluttered away on the wind. It has taken years to recognize some of the sacrifices I make and the resentment they cause. As I finally begin to see this fantastically unhealthy cycle of relinquishing things without being asked, and then resenting others because I gave up something I enjoy (or need!), I gain new perspective. I am able to see that no one asks or expects me to make sacrifices, and no one but me is responsible for the choices I make.

Sacrifice and priority are tricky concepts in motherhood (or at least they are for me). It does seem that mothers are expected  to make their children their top priority (by society, other parents, random strangers who are only sometimes well-meaning) – and I agree that this feels right – but I am starting to see that it does not necessarily mean kicking myself off the priority list. Many sage women and mothers have told me over the years to take care of myself, to make sure that I take breaks, stay healthy, stay balanced, that putting all the focus on your family can make you crazy and inevitably make your family crazy too… I heard all these words and thought I understood them, but I didn’t really. Because I didn’t know that I would need this advice. I was a strong, independent woman who knew how to take care of herself, so why did they talk about this stuff as if it would be so hard. Now I finally get it… IT IS SO HARD! So so hard! Harder than I could have ever imagined. I struggle daily to find the line between making my family my priority and sacrificing my own needs. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I absolutely don’t.

I love my boys more than anything in the whole wide world, and I would do anything for them, so where and how do you draw a line? How do you choose between going to an important work reception and staying home with a sick boy? What is prioritizing your kids, and what is self-sacrifice? And then of course there’s guilt, playing a starring role. In this situation, I would probably end up feeling some guilt, no matter what I chose to do… guilt about leaving my husband to attend the work reception alone or (probably greater guilt) about leaving my sick baby.

I keep reminding myself that guilt is useless and try to put it down. I know that it is far more useful to do something differently, make changes to my behaviors or schedule or routines so that I don’t have to feel guilty. But sometimes it feels like taking care of all 4 people in this family is more than I can manage, and I will always be neglecting one of us, and feeling bad about it. And sometimes making the necessary changes feels impossible, insurmountable, or simply unfathomable. What would I need to change to eliminate guilt? What would I need to change to ensure that all my boys, even the biggest one, get the attention they deserve, and I also don’t neglect myself? IT IS SO HARD!

Time and energy and resources are finite. We have only 24 hours a day to spend with our kids, partners, families, friends, schools, colleagues and ourselves; or only 168 hours a week!! So even though I try to carefully distribute the hours, making sure everyone gets some – a few hours helping in the classroom at school with my big boy every week, a few hours at classes with my little one, a few hours to attend to bills and emails, a few hours for swimming practice with the boys, a few hours cooking and preparing meals and snacks, a few hours playing or cleaning up toys, a few hours of sleep here and there… Sometimes the hours run out and I don’t have any left to go to the gym, get a pedicure, have a date with my husband… And somehow, maybe because the squeaky wheel gets the oil, these are the things that are often shortchanged. I don’t squeak much for my own attention, my husband does once in while, but mostly he is too busy, and pretty self sufficient. But those kids can squeak!! To be fed, snuggled, played with, taken places, read to… And so they should! If their squeaks get no reactions from their parents, the very people who are supposed to protect, love, and nurture them, who will listen? What will they learn about the world, if even I don’t respond to them? What are their chances of growing into the kind, caring, attentive adults that our world so desperately needs?

Of course guilt is a waste of emotional energy, because it achieves nothing but self-punishment and keeps us out of the moment we are in. When my husband and I left the boys to go away together earlier this year, I was wracked with a guilt so profound and painful I thought I might crack. Only when I was totally convinced that the boys were safe and happy, could I put down that load and live in the present moment, enjoying the precious time I had to spend with my husband. Guilt is not always easy to put down though, and in motherhood, I feel it often. I struggle with giving ‘adequate’ time and attention to each child, with giving ‘enough’ affection and hugs, with being ‘properly’ present and involved in both of their lives, friendships, activities, challenges. I put these words in ‘quotes’ because they are impossible, unquantifiable, limitless expectations that I impose on myself. And if I fail to live up to these self-imposed, imagined expectations, I feel remorse, a feeling of having done wrong, guilt.

I guess I will keep bumbling along, trying to take care of myself as much as anyone else in the family – or the world! – and sometimes I will succeed, while other times I will fail miserably and neglect myself until I become grumbly and impatient and anxious, and then I will know that it’s been too long since I gave myself attention. I am still learning. And this IS SO HARD! I will try not to get to that place where I become unpleasant and unhinged, but it will probably happen again. All I can do is try to pay attention to myself in the midst of everything else that is going on, and at least notice the signs when they start. My body usually knows when it’s time to stop cleaning, cooking, carting, caring and take a break, indulge myself, be selfish. These words have grown to have so many negative connotations but they are sensible, healthy choices we should be making more often, more easily, more freely.

I hope that we can support each other in ditching the guilt and being strong, smart, selfish unsuper moms.