I woke up this morning with my two little ones snuggled next to me, one on each arm. My kids love to lie on ‘mama arm’ and I love having my chickens under my wings for a morning cuddle. They were neither delirious with joy at seeing me, nor shunning me because I had deserted them, they were pretty much just themselves. Honestly, I felt a bit deflated. I thought there would be some sort of consequence of my absence – they would cling to me all day today, or they would refuse to talk to me because they wanted to punish me for my transgressions, or they would beg me not to leave again because they missed me so much. Nothing. They talked a bit about their grand weekend adventures, and all the ice cream they ate, and then they started bugging each other, fighting over toys, refusing to put their shoes on… all the very ordinary, very usual behaviors that mark a school morning. No lightning bolt. No metamorphosis. Not even extra kisses.

So, the good news here is that our weekend away scarred nobody and may actually have done everyone some good. Husband and I had a wonderful time, the boys had a wonderful time, everyone slept through an entire night! That again, is mildly deflating and perhaps even annoying… Why do they sleep like angels when I am away, and wake me 3 times a night when I am home? My oldest said that he was missing me and just had to ignore it, so he slept all night. I asked him to just ignore me when I am home and sleep all night, but he said he couldn’t, he needs something sad to ignore?! I understand where he is coming from, but I so loved sleeping for 7 or so uninterrupted hours!! I really would like to figure out a way to keep doing that!

I am very grateful for the two wonderful women who worked together to make this weekend so easy on the boys. Without them, I am sure I would not have had nearly as much fun. But every time I called to say hi, the boys were too excited about going out for ice cream, or getting ready to get to the zoo, or building some epic tower to really talk to me for long. They were happy to say hi and hear my ‘I love you’s, but then they were off. And hearing that made me feel fabulous! I could enjoy myself, ditch the guilt, and let them get on with their own adventures. It took a huge weight off me to hear their carefree chatter. And I know I owe that to the loving care they got from people they already knew and trusted. What a relief to finally have that support again!

The truth is, once we were on the plane, I began to relax. I had left photos, shirts I’d been sleeping in, a long list of phone numbers, membership cards to the zoo and all sorts of other fun places, groceries, my car for outings, snuggly animals and lots of hugs and kisses and assurances that I’d be back. I had done all I could, and I had a very capable team taking the reins. I had to trust that it would be ok. And after a cheery goodbye from the boys, I started to believe that it might. I was still a bit tearful on the way to the airport, sending a few more texts about things to do or not to do, checking a few more details, leaving my final thoughts… but by the time I was on the plane with a good book and a cup of tea, I was pretty much fine.

And then we arrived, I called home, and the boys were so cheery and busy, that I really relaxed, and starting to have fun. I had an hour or so to do my own thing, and could truly follow my own nose, not worrying about what anyone else needed or wanted. It was a strange and unfamiliar sensation, but not at all unpleasant. We later set off for the rugby, which was the main attraction for our weekend… not very romantic, I know, but it gave us a focus for our first getaway in almost 7 years, and it channelled our energy. (And the Blitsbokkies won!!!!) After an afternoon of rugby and South African food, we were relaxed, caught up on each other’s lives, enjoying each other’s company, and full of plans for a leisurely morning on Sunday. This is a luxury we never have – leisurely mornings or the chance to chat more after covering the basics. If we get out for dinner – which doesn’t happen that often either!! -we only have a couple of hours and it never feels like enough, so having another day was amazing!

I checked in on the boys again in the morning on Sunday, and after their nap, and each time they sounded happy and very busy. And each time I felt a bubble of joy and relief rise inside me. Knowing they were fine freed me to just enjoy myself. And I did! Husband and I reconnected and kids grew up a little, knowing that they could survive our absence, and that we really do always come back. For me, going away was a rite of passage. I learned that the kids can survive my absence, and I can survive separating from them. I did miss out on the fun they had, but that is ok. I had my own fun and I paid more attention to myself than I have in a while, and to my biggest boy 😉 We all grew up a bit, and I grew a little closer to myself and to my husband. All in all, I would say the weekend was a roaring success.