Why do pediatricians think they are the authorities on parenting, even if they don’t have kids of their own? Why do they think that understanding the physiology of the human body makes them experts on my child’s temperament, my family’s sleep, potty training, diet? Why do they think it is acceptable to tell me whether or not to breast feed, whether or not to let my child ‘cry it out’, when to ignore him and when to hug him? Why do they treat mothers like naughty children when they disagree with our parenting practices, shaming and criticizing what they see us doing ‘wrong’?  Why do they prey on young parents who are out of their depth and looking for any reassurance or support they can find? Kids’ dentists don’t do this. They stick to advice about brushing, rinsing, healthy foods to keep teeth strong. They may suggest you wipe your baby’s teeth after nursing in the night (not so much!) but they would never tell you to stop nursing! (Well, mine never did and I nursed both my boys til they were about 2.) And in general I find them encouraging, praising you and your kids on a good job brushing and giving the kids prizes for being brave in the chair. It’s rather nice.

Of course, there are many wonderful pediatricians out there and many other well-qualified people genuinely seeking to help and support parents. But no matter who they are, they are not our children’s parents, we are! They are not the foremost experts on our children, we are! They are not entitled to tell us how to raise our children, that is our ongoing task. I will not be dictated to by doctors who do not know me or my family. I will follow my instincts and hold my babies close. I will do whatever I can to make them comfortable when they are sick. I will give them kid night so they can have a say over their own meals. And I will lie with them until they fall asleep, regardless of the doctor’s views on sleep training. Soon enough they will be pushing me away, embarrassed by my kisses. So, however exhausting and all consuming it may be, I will be there for them while they want me there. And I will stand by other moms who want to make ‘controversial’ choices but are too afraid they are getting parenting ‘wrong’.

In my view, doctors are not there for parenting advice, they are there to help us navigate the murky waters of what is normal and what is not, in terms of basic functioning – how much crying is ok, what temperature is ok, how much poop is ok, and what color. They are there to offer medical advice and prescribe medicine when our children are ill, and to provide some support and reassurance. It is scary when my baby is writhing in pain, my bouncy boy is listlessly lying about, my little one’s temperature soars and will not come down. As the bearers of objective, scientific knowledge, I expect them to say, “he will be ok” or “give him these drops 4 times a day and you should see an improvement soon” or even “make sure you get some rest too; caring for a sick baby is taxing and you don’t want to get sick too.” I do not need to hear “there’s nothing we can do, it’s viral” – even if that is true, focus on things we can do to make the child and ourselves feel better, even if it’s advising daily walks outside or lots of fluids.My latest pet peeve is being told “if I had a magic medicine for this, I’d be rich!” It’s dismissive and not very kind. I do not need to hear, “it’s time to stop nursing him; it’s bad for his teeth”. I do not need to feel like I am wasting your time because I am concerned for my child’s wellbeing and comfort.

What happened to empathy, for the child and the anxious parents? What would be so wrong with some kind words and a glass of water for a tearful new mom? Would it be so hard to be punctual, and respect the time of the sick and weary? Why does it have to pneumonia before they do anything? And why not just give parents a little respect and encouragement? They should know it’s not easy and we are doing our best, even if it’s not by the textbook.

Of course, doctors are not all bad, and I am very thankful they are there when my kids are sick and miserable, even just to get another opinion, or the reassurance that they have been checked and will be ok. And to get antibiotics when everything seems to be infected. But some days I despair. Maybe it’s just time to find a new doctor…? And a support group for moms!